88 Incredibly Funny Quotes by Popular People

Famous Funny Quotes

As we all know that Laughing is good for health, we do have fun and laugh at jokes or at a comedy show. Here are some of the entertainingly funny quotes that will surely make you laugh.

Funny Quotes

  1. “Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.” – Oscar Wilde
  2. “When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did–in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.” – Bob Monkhouse
  3. “The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.” – Mark Russell
  4. “I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.” – Elayne Boosler
  5. “First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.” – Steve Martin
  6. “Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.” – Robert Bloch
  7. “My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.” – Dave Barry
  8. “A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.” – Lana Turner
  9. “Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.” – Miles Kington
  10. “People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.” – Joan Rivers
  11. “Accept who you are, unless you’re a serial killer.” – Ellen Degeneres
  12. “I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.” – Douglas Adams
  13. “I tried to be normal once. Worst two minutes of my life.” – Ziad K. Abdelnour
  14. “People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.” – Winnie the Pooh
  15. “By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.” – Socrates
  16. “I would challenge you to a battle of wits, but I see you are unarmed.” – William Shakespeare
  17. “I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.” – Emo Philips
  18. “The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.” – Al McGuire
  19. “Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.” – Greg King
  20. “It’s useless to hold a person to anything they say when they are in love, drunk, or running for office.” – Shirley MacLaine
  21. “A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.” – Franklin Jones
  22. “Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.” – Billy Sunday
  23. “If she were a president, she’d be Baberham Lincoln.” – Garth Brooks
  24. “If at first you don’t succeed . . . so much for skydiving.” – Henny Youngman
  25. “Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you, but not in the one ahead.” – Bill McGlashen
  26. “If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, just try missing a couple of payments.” – Earl Wilson
  27. “Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.” – Dave Barry
  28. “My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.” – Jack Nicholson
  29. “If you steal from one author, it’s plagiarism; if you steal from many, it’s research.” – Wilson Mizner
  30. “A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.” – Claude Pepper
  31. “I now know I’m psychic, because every time I go see a fortune teller, I know everything she says will be absolute bullshit ahead of time.” – Wade Stoken
  32. “God gave us our relatives; thank God we can choose our friends.” – Ethel Mumford
  33. “Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.” – Oscar Wilde
  34. “You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’” – Tommy Cooper
  35. “Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you, but not in one ahead.” – Bill McGlashen
  36. “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.” – Steven Wright
  37. “I did a few researchers to get that information.” – Ellen Hasselbalch
  38. “I intend to live forever. So far, so good.” – Steven Wright
  39. “A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.” – Caskie Stinnett
  40. “We’ve all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.” – Robert Wilensky
  41. “By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.” – Charles Wadsworth
  42. “I am sorry for those that disagree with me because I know that they are wrong.” – Woodrow Wilson
  43. “Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.” – Marilyn Monroe
  44. “I’ve realized you can use a fork as a spoon if you use it rapidly enough.” – John Mayer
  45. “If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?” – Milton Berle
  46. “Those people who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.” – Isaac Asimov
  47. “When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.” – Norm Crosby
  48. “By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” – Robert Frost
  49. “It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?” – Ronald Reagan
  50. “Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories.” – John Wilmot
  51. “The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.” – Franklin P. Jones
  52. “A filing cabinet is a place where you can lose things systematically.” – T. H. Thompson
  53. “Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your children.” – Sam Levenson
  54. “The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later, you’re hungry again.” – George Miller
  55. “Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.” –Rod Stewart
  56. “Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.” – Ronald Reagan
  57. “A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.” – Bob Hope
  58. “I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes–and six months later you have to start all over again.” – Joan Rivers
  59. “My husband wanted one of those big-screen TVs for his birthday. So I just moved his chair closer to the one we have already.” – Wendy Liebman
  60. “It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawn mower, snowblower and vacuum cleaner.” – Ben Bergor
  61. “We hope that, when the insects take over the world, they will remember with gratitude how we took them along on all our picnics.” – Bill Vaughan
  62. “Retirement at 65 is ridiculous. When I was 65 I still had pimples.” – George Burns
  63. “Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?” – Phyllis Diller
  64. “All you need to grow fine, vigorous grass is a crack in your sidewalk.” – Will Rogers
  65. “An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her.”- Agatha Christie
  66. “The best time to give advice to your children is while they’re still young enough to believe you know what you’re talking about.” – Evan Esar
  67. “You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” – George Burns
  68. “The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.” – George Jessel
  69. “Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.” – José Maria de Eça de Queiroz
  70. “The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.” – Erma Bombeck
  71. “Misers aren’t fun to live with, but they make wonderful ancestors.” – David Brenner
  72. “Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon.” – Doug Larson
  73. “There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting.” – Mark Twain
  74. “I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.” – Rodney Dangerfield
  75. “The best way to keep children home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere . . . and let the air out of the tires.” – Dorothy Parker
  76. “If you even dream of beating me you’d better wake up and apologize.” – Muhammad Ali
  77. “I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance–waiting for the bathroom.” – Bob Hope
  78. “To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the loving cup, whenever you’re wrong admit it; whenever you’re right shut up.” – Ogden Nash
  79. “Inside me there’s a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes.” – Bob Thaves
  80. “People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.” – Jerry Seinfeld
  81. “You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog.” – Harry S. Truman
  82. “I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox the cat kept trying to cover me up.” – Rodney Dangerfield
  83. “Two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I am not yet completely sure about the universe.” – Albert Einstein
  84. “At every party, there are two kinds of people–those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.” – Ann Landers
  85. “To attract men, I wear a perfume called New Car Interior.” – Rita Rudner
  86. “I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t.” – Patrick Murray
  87. “I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” – Charles Lamb
  88. “My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.” – Caroline Rhea

We hope that you must have had fun reading the above Funny Quotes by Popular People, if you have more famous funny quotes, do share in the comments section.