41 Funny Quotes by Ellen DeGeneres

Top Ellen DeGeneres Quotes

Ellen DeGeneres is an American television host, comedian, writer, television producer as well as an actress. Below is a list of some of her well known quotes that will make you laugh.

  1. “Just go up to somebody on the street and say “You’re it!” and just run away.” - Ellen DeGeneres
  2. “Accept who you are unless you’re a serial killer.” - Ellen DeGenere
  3. “Procrastination isn’t the problem, it’s the solution. So procrastinate now, don’t put it off.” - Ellen DeGeneres
  4. “Do things that make you happy within the confines of the legal system.” - Ellen DeGeneres
  5. “My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.” - Ellen DeGeneres
  6. “I really don’t think I need buns of steel. I’d be happy with buns of cinnamon.” - Ellen DeGeneres
  7. “Life is short. If you doubt me, ask a butterfly. Their average life span is a mere five to fourteen days.” - Ellen DeGeneres
  8. “I feel like I have a hangover, without all the happy memories and mystery bruises.” - Ellen DeGeneres
  9. “You are never too old to play. You are only too old for low-rise jeans.” - Ellen DeGeneres
  10. “Friends will write me letters. They run out of room on the front of the letter. They write ‘over’ on the bottom of the letter. Like I’m that much of a moron. Like I need that there. Because if it wasn’t there, I’d get to the bottom of the page: ‘And so Kathy and I went shopping and we-‘ That’s the craziest thing! I don’t know why she would just end it that way.” - Ellen DeGeneres
  11. “In the beginning there was nothing. God said, ‘Let there be light!’ And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better.” - Ellen DeGeneres
  12. “People always ask me, ‘Were you funny as a child?’ Well, no, I was an accountant.” - Ellen DeGeneres
  13. “If someone says you’re weird, say Thank You.” - Ellen DeGeneres
  14. “I think people talk too much anyway. Sometimes people are talking to me and in my mind I’m just like “shut up, shut up, shut up…blah blah blah blah blaaaaah.” - Ellen DeGeneres
  15. “Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for - in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it.” - Ellen DeGeneres
  16. “The only thing that scares me more than space aliens is the idea that there aren’t any space aliens. We can’t be the best that creation has to offer. I pray we’re not all there is. If so, we’re in big trouble.” - Ellen DeGeneres
  17. “I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it’s such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.” - Ellen DeGeneres
  18. “Sometimes you can’t see yourself clearly until you see yourself through the eyes of others.” - Ellen DeGeneres
  19. “Never follow anyone else’s path, unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.” - Ellen DeGeneres
  20. “I’m a godmother, that’s a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that’s cute, I taught her that.” - Ellen DeGeneres
  21. “When I go hiking and I get over the hill, That means I am past the hard part and there is a snack in my future. That’s a good thing as far as I am concerned.” - Ellen DeGeneres
  22. “Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it’s worse when they are wearing dark glasses and have streamers in their antlers because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot.” - Ellen DeGeneres
  23. “I see those picketers, and I think you know, if I weren’t a loving, non-violent, spiritual person, I would really go over there and grab those signs and smash them over their heads and shove them up their asses. But…I’m a loving, spiritual person.” - Ellen DeGeneres
  24. “My dog of 17 years just died. Oh you’re kidding?…Noooo…as funny as that is, I’m not” - Ellen DeGeneres
  25. “Laugh as much as you can. Laugh until you cry. Cry until you laugh. Keep doing it even if people are passing you on the street saying, ‘I can’t tell if that person is laughing or crying, but either way they seem crazy, let’s walk faster.’ Emote. It’s okay. It shows you are thinking and feeling.” - Ellen DeGeneres
  26. “But seriously, I think overall in the scheme of things winning an Emmy is not important. Let’s get our priorities straight. I think we all know what’s really important in life ? winning an Oscar.” - Ellen DeGeneres
  27. “I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut.” - Ellen DeGeneres
  28. “Go to bed in your fireplace, you’ll sleep like a log.” - Ellen DeGeneres
  29. “Most comedy is based on getting a laugh at somebody else’s expense. And I find that that’s just a form of bullying in a major way. So I want to be an example that you can be funny and be kind, and make people laugh without hurting somebody else’s feelings.”
  30. “Designing is my hobby. If I didn’t do what I do for a living - at some point when I don’t do this for a living - I’ll probably just do design work. I love finding really special pieces of furniture.” - Ellen DeGeneres
  31. “I was coming home from kindergarten - well they told me it was kindergarten. I found out later I had been working in a factory for ten years. It’s good for a kid to know how to make gloves.” - Ellen DeGeneres
  32. “We need more kindness, more compassion, more joy, more laughter. I definitely want to contribute to that.” - Ellen DeGeneres
  33. “Nothing says holidays, like a cheese log.” - Ellen DeGeneres
  34. “I don’t understand the sizes anymore. There’s a size zero, which I didn’t even know that they had. It must stand for: “Ohhh my God, you’re thin.”” - Ellen DeGeneres
  35. “Find out who you are and be that person. That’s what your soul was put on this Earth to be. Find that truth, live that truth and everything else will come.” - Ellen DeGeneres
  36. “You know me. Any excuse to put on a dress.” - Ellen DeGeneres
  37. “It’s our challenges and obstacles that give us layers of depth and make us interesting. Are they fun when they happen? No. But they are what make us unique. And that’s what I know for sure… I think.” - Ellen DeGeneres
  38. “The sixties were when hallucinogenic drugs were really, really big. And I don’t think it’s a coincidence that we had the type of shows we had then, like The Flying Nun.” - Ellen DeGeneres
  39. “I’m on the patch right now. Where it releases small dosages of approval until I no longer crave it, and then I’m gonna rip it off.” - Ellen DeGeneres
  40. “The only thing that scares me more than space aliens is the idea that there aren’t any space aliens. We can’t be the best that creation has to offer. I pray we’re not all there is. If so, we’re in big trouble.” - Ellen DeGeneres
  41. “Yeah [I’m thirty-six], but on the show I’m thirty-two. Nobody wants to watch a thirty-six year old woman, so they decided to make me thirty-two. Much more appealing somehow.” - Ellen DeGeneres

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